Mars calling

Yes, it’s real news. As real as you can get with DonaldT. Don’t believe me, just watch. DonaldT “gon’ give it to us”. It being Mars. The planet, not Bruno, as some of you may be hoping. 

I had almost resigned myself to the fact that things would not go back to normal; to a time when DonaldT had yet to reduce himself – and America – to a tawdry sitcom with downward spiralling ratings.

Then DonaldT announced his ambitions regarding Mars. Again, the planet, not the singer.

It can get confusing. Especially with The Singing Trump channeling his inner Bruno Mars on “America’s Got Talent”.

But we will focus on the president, not the talent. This is a golden opportunity; one not to be missed.

There have been petitions to fly Trump to Mars long before the man himself indicated any interest in such flights. I stumbled on one with over 70.000 registered petitioners. Not that it did any good. The approach and the timing was off.

Now the time is right. DonaldT himself is interested. Why wouldn’t he be? He may not have taken Manhattan or Berlin, but he did take Washington, so why not Mars?

It’s not enough, however, to fly just any man or woman to Mars. We need to make sure that DonaldT promises to lead the first manned mission himself.

Sadly it may not suffice. DonaldT is big on promises, but not on following through on them.

Even if he signed an ironclad agreement to go to Mars, he would probably just pardon himself for breaking it. Or call NASA for support.

We all know how that call would go. Pretty much like his call to Mexico’s president. DonaldT would stress the importance of ensuring that everyone believes he’s going to Mars.

Never mind that he really isn’t. No one needs to know.  It will all be sorted out later somehow. Just like the payment of the wall.

DonaldT does as badly with reality as he does with promises.

You know DonaldT’s “Alternative facts theory”, don’t you? The one about changing the facts, if they don’t fit the theory (or reality).

It was mistakenly credited to a lesser talent, Albert Einstein. Albert just called to apologise for the mix up, and to congratulate DonaldT on his brilliantly unorthodox theory. It was the same day the boy scouts called to praise DonaldT’s speech.alternative-facts-4

One fact remains. Whatever “Real News” tells us, we have no way of knowing whether DonaldT is on that flight or not.

We can only hope. Trump and Mars (the planet) really would be a marriage made in heaven. They complement each other in so many ways; even their colouring is a perfect match.

DonaldT is a natural as far as all things alien go. America is definitely starting to look alien. If DonaldT gets his wish, both the courts and the media will end up under his thumb, if not in his hands.

The hands may be small, but the hunger for power isn’t.

Dream big, DonaldT. Dictatorship seems to be your forte. Why not start afresh. Why limit yourself to being president of just one country, when you can rule a whole planet? A whole alternative world. A world where all your brilliant thoughts are met with grateful silence.

No questioning Republican in sight, not to mention opposing Democrats. No constitution, no FBI, no courts that don’t know what’s good for them. No media to disrespect you. No expectations of border walls built and Muslim bans enacted. No Obamacare to repeal. No investigations.

Think of all those the real estate opportunities just sitting there. Jared and Ivanka should join you. Not to mention Donald Jr. Actually, take as many of your strongest supporters as you wish. Don’t forget Bannon. Please, don’t forget Bannon.

Some say Mars isn’t habitable. It’s all fake news. Just google Alex Jones and Mars. Alex can tell you all about the colonies; about the kids waiting to be saved. Think how grateful they will be. Finally someone will recognise you for what you are. A saviour.

NASA may deny everything, and whine that they’re not ready for a manned mission to Mars yet. Again, it’s all fake news. If they can fly those kids, they can fly you to Mars too.

You should invite Alex Jones along. When it comes to taking people on rides, he’s a veritable master. Not as great as you, that goes without saying.

I can’t promise that there won’t be any Russians. They tend to be everywhere. But think of the freedom. No need to edit any statements anymore.

Once you have proclaimed yourself ultimate ruler of Mars, you alone will define what constitutes collusion on your planet. Take that Mueller.

Don’t forget to invite a few Chinese investors along. Jared could do with some fresh financing. No one would dare to frown on any arrangement you approve of on Mars. You could make sure of it.

While we are on the topic of taking – take Twitter with you. Humans need to start interacting better; this whole 140 characters thing just doesn’t cut it.

I never thought to see the day I would say this, but I am ready to forgo my shot at the trip. Skip equal opportunities. Just go, go, go.

I feel a phone call coming on. One from Mars, urging you to come asap. Mars needs to be made great again. Or was it the boy scouts?

No way, it’s Mars for certain. The boy scouts wouldn’t make the same mistake twice.

We’ll sort it out after your lift off.