Shit happens

Just between the two of us, Supreme Leader Kim, how did you and your father manage to grab it? Absolute power, I mean. It must be great. No media and crazy actors dissing you day and night.

Here I am, on my way to making history – there is talk of a Nobel prize, you know. Yet I can’t even manage to put Robert de Niro where he belongs: behind bars.

It’s not fair; I’m so great, why can’t Hollywood see it?

Don’t get me wrong, you’re great too. Together we can do great things. Just watch this video that I brought. Someone bring the popcorn, please.

By the way, I’ll be meeting my buddy Putin next. He’s good at keeping the media in check too. I really don’t know where I went wrong. Not only is the media and Hollywood out to get me, the FBI is after me too.

You guys have done so much better. You both have your intelligence agencies and law officers well in hand. I can barely affect the Supreme Court’s decision making with my judge choices. I had a hell of a time getting one simple travel ban through, you know.

What’s that about the agreement wording? Don’t worry, our people will figure it out. It’s not as if we are actually agreeing on anything, although a token gesture would be nice. Maybe you could just tune down on the negativity towards America? I hear there are some pretty nasty posters. Why not dismantle them for starters.

No need to dismantle any nuclear weapons just yet. We’re fine with vague promises. I make them all the time myself.

You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours. Or we can kill each other. I’m game, whichever way you want to play this. But first, have some popcorn, let’s watch the video.

Are you comfortable where you are staying, by the way? What’s this I’m hearing that your quarters are bigger than mine? Don’t believe everything you read. I don’t want to brag, but mine is always bigger. My ego, my aggression, my bigotry, my country, my quarters – you name it, mine is bigger.

Although I have to hand it to you, you do have better control over your people. For the time being.

I’m still working on that one. I keep firing them but it doesn’t seem to help. Dissidents crop up in every corner. And then there are those Europeans, not to mention Canadians. No respect, absolutely no respect. It’s appalling.

I don’t need them, they need me. I tell them this time and time again: It’s “pay or I go” time, I tell them. Who cares about agreements, free markets, climate change, or world peace for that matter. I’m here to make me – sorry, delete that – to make America great again.

Between the two of us, things weren’t looking so good there for a while before this presidency opportunity cropped up. You may not have heard, but my businesses had their ups and downs, and Jared got himself mixed up in some unlucky deals too. My TV career wasn’t all that great either. It was time to do something.

You’re one lucky bastard – it’s a saying, I’m not questioning your parentage – you know. I only inherited a real estate business, you inherited a whole country.

We really are two peas in a pod, aren’t we? It was great to get together. Now that we have this nuclear thing sorted, I’ll be heading home. I need to get together with my buddy Putin to stop this witch hunt that the FBI is on. Vladimir is a former KGB officer, he understands these things.

Vladimir swears that Russia has done nothing wrong. This whole fake news thing is a deliberate smear campaign, as are all other accusations. Take Crimea, for example. Well, Vladimir actually did take Crimea, but they were asking for it, Vladimir tells me.

The same is true for Ukraine. And there were absolutely no fake news involved anywhere, Vladimir assures me.

What can I say, I trust him as I would myself – and you. As long as there is something in it for all of us, we’re fine, aren’t we?

We have plans to meet up in Finland, Vladimir and I. My team is working on a video for him too. I hear the popcorn in Finland is good, so we won’t need to bring our own.

The Finnish media will probably make a big thing of our meeting. Speculations will run high, they always do. Everyone will want a piece of our glory. We are so great, Vladimir and I – and you too, of course.

The Finns have a long history of keeping Finland safe with a little help from self censorship. I’m sure they will understand what’s good for them now too.

My European NATO “allies” will probably worry themselves sick about this meeting. Serves them right, the way they have treated me. Shit may happen in Helsinki.

When will they realise: It’s not about world peace and promises made, it’s about money and me. No one treats me badly and gets away with it; especially not these disrespectful, softie EU liberals.

Vladimir feels the same way, we understand each other.

The Finnish media may well be one of the freest in the world, but Finns are well-behaved to the point of being wimps, Sarah tells me. That’s one of the reasons we chose Finland, Vladimir and I.

The Finnish press will probably be busy painting me as a president who keeps his promises. That’s the message I’m trying to get through these days. It will get me re-elected.

We keep our promises, don’t we, Mr. Kim? Well, at least the ones that keep us in office – however crazy they may be and whatever they may cost. Not that you need to bother about this re-election stuff, lucky you.

Some tariffs here, some tax cuts there, a travel ban, outright bigotry and slander, not to mention threats of retribution nationally and internationally. Yes, I’m a man who keeps his promises.  My supporters love me, and the Republicans are all too happy to succeed in my wake.

When in search of political success, there is no principle important enough to hold on to, human decency included. They are already letting me get away with a lot – soon it will be pretty much anything. Civilisation is for the weak.

Not that the Finnish media needs to go into minor details like that. I’m sure they are too civilised to do so.

By the way, is it okay to call you Mr. Kim? Maybe I should just call you brother Kim?

The three of us – you, my buddy Vladimir and I – should get together informally one of these days. We could ask Xi Jinping to join us. I have this nice place in Florida. It would be great to share experiences between us, one supreme leader to another.

Maybe we’ll even watch a video. Yes, there will definitely be popcorn too.